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Postpartum Doula & Certified Fitness Trainer Offering Support in the Tri-Cities

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The Metamorphosis that is Motherhood

November 21, 2019 By Me2Admin

… and the biggest piece of advice I have for all new mothers. 

Motherhood — it can break you, tear your heart open, and then build you all over again from the ground up — the person you were before someone you no longer know so well.

Each journey into motherhood is different, depending on a number of things. How you were raised, your personal life, your friendships, the demeanour of you baby and how much you sleep, to name a few. But no matter who you are or where you come from, I have no doubt that since you welcomed your bundle of joy into the world, you have probably struggled with your identity at one time or another — who you were before just a teeny tiny flame and who you are becoming, erupting like a volcano. You can try stumbling through this new identity alone, many of us do in this society. But, if there is one little bit of wisdom I can pass along, it is this. Find your people. Your pour your heart out, hold you while you’re rocking back and forth in tears, kind of people. Because, you will crash and burn while on this journey. Maybe once, maybe a few times, or maybe every day depending on how sleep deprived you are, and without your people, you simply will not thrive.

I plummeted into the depths of motherhood in the spring of 2018. A seemingly strange time perhaps, given that my daughter was 2.5 and my son had just turned one. Why did it take me so long, you may be thinking. I wondered the same thing at the time, until I finally figured out that it was probably because I was finally getting more than two consecutive hours of sleep a night for the first time in fourteen months.  I couldn’t explain what was happening to me, but I felt this momentous shift. I felt like I was suddenly peeled open and my heart was laying in the palm of my hands.

My first year with my second born was something else. I got pregnant with my son when Vi was just eight months old. I was barely dipping my toes into the waters of motherhood, while simulataneously welcoming another baby into the mix. There I was with two young children just a mere 18 months apart — a deer in the headlights.

It was both the busiest, most exhausting job I had ever done, but yet, so very isolating. I spent countless hours in the basement with my baby boy strapped into the ergo, trying to keep him quiet (which was difficult as he was a very fussy baby), so that my toddler could nap. It was in the depths of my home that I began to delve into the realization that I wasn’t the same person I was just a mere three years ago. How could I be?

I began assessing my life, the people that had come gone, and things I had been through. I felt like my whole life was bubbling over the surface and I didn’t know who to turn to. One of my closest friends had gone back to work after her maternity leave and I spent the majority of my time at home, alone, talking to instagram. I didn’t see it then, but I was deeply yearning for connection. I was searching for who I was before I had kids, surely she must still be in there?! I found myself daydreaming about my life before children and how easy those days now seemed — which then lead to guilt because I thought that made me unappreciative. I have learned since these guilt-stricken days, that this is not the case. You can sigh over your life before children and love being a mother, all at the same time. Before you begin to build this new life and let go of the one before children, you may find yourself in a season I like to call the “in-between.”

Amongst the cherry blossoms and longer sunnier days, I was firmly planted in this season. I was tired. So very tired. I was alone most of my days with no local family to lean on and too full of pride to ask for help. With my Dad in the middle of a cancer battle, I felt like I couldn’t possibly express my ‘trivial’ struggles. How selfish could I possibly be to not be a pillar of strength for my family? Old friendships, the ones I would have turned to in the past, were slipping away as we entered different seasons of our lives, and I didn’t know who to turn to. My husband who has always been wonderfully entangled in my life, right there when I need him, was still there, but I yearned for something that only sisterhood could offer.

I broke. I fell into a million pieces right into the arms of my husband on a Saturday evening, debilitated by anxiety and shame. It was that night as I lay in bed, my own arms wrapped around myself like a straight jacket, that I knew something had to give. So, I made the decision to surrender. I mean truly surrender, to this new life and build again from a foundation based on different priorities. Over the span of a few months, with profound intention, I found myself amongst a handful of mothers in my community. I began to spend time with these women and in the midst of all the chaos, a few of them began to grow into deep friendships. It is in these few friendships that I lay my soul.

So, when new or soon to be moms ask me what they should do to best prepare for motherhood — my advice isn’t to stock up on onesies or bottles — it is to make sure that if she doesn’t have a community already, to build one. We are not meant to go at this alone. We are genetically wired for relationships and connection. If I can carry anything out of the depths of those tiresome afternoons in my basement, it is that motherhood is so much sweeter (and sane) when you venture through it alongside other women. Find your people… you’re going to need them.

 

Comments

  1. 1

    Katie says

    November 21, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    Your advice makes so much sense. Thanks for sharing. It is so helpful to know I am not the only one who has felt like this.

    • 2

      Me2Admin says

      February 23, 2021 at 8:46 pm

      Solidarity mama!

  2. 3

    Dominique says

    November 21, 2019 at 7:51 pm

    So grateful for this blog post 💗 it’s so honest and 100% relatable. I’m currently facing this struggle big time. It’s intimidating and tough meeting/making decent friends to build your tribe.

    • 4

      Me2Admin says

      February 23, 2021 at 8:46 pm

      I’m so glad this resonated mama!

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bottle feeding breastfeeding c-section cancer doula family feeding baby firsts first time mom fitlife foodlife friendship journey momlife motherhood my life parenting postpartum real life self growth survivor
We found them on a routine ultrasound – fibroids We found them on a routine ultrasound – fibroids: solid, benign tumors.

Given there was nothing we could do about them during pregnancy, I took the info with a grain of salt (and admittedly, some anxiety) and moved on. By my second pregnancy less than two years later, they had multiplied, grown, and eliminated the chance of a v-bac but baby boy was born via another c-section and I didn’t think about them again until 4 years later when they began to wreak havoc. (I’ll leave you to go ahead and google what they are capable of.) 😉 

These stubborn masses continue to grow in both size and number until menopause. At the age of 34, that was daunting to hear. Even more so, there is no medication available and only two procedures to treat them – an ablation or hysterectomy. An ablation leaves your uterus intact but offers temporary results with most fibroids returning in the years to come. Given we are done having children, it felt like a straightforward choice.

Hysterectomy it is.

Cue all the feelings, but perhaps what caught me off guard most was the attachment I felt to this organ. There is a source of femininity that derives from our womb and the thoughts of how I may feel after this is removed from my body have been interesting to sift through. 

After my c-sections, the mere act of lifting myself off the couch was difficult. The way our core supports the entirety of our body does not evade me. Will this  elective surgery have a similar recovery? 🥴

My second c-section had its trials when I didn’t respond to the medication well and I felt more than I should have. It took me almost 2 years to be able talk about the experience without having a full-on trauma response. 

But, I have healed. I have done the work to get to this balanced and strong place I find myself in now and I have to remind myself daily that I have a firmer foundation now than I did years ago. I am not the same woman who rolled into that operating room in 2015.

I can say with confidence that I will get through this and use it to do good in the world. I will dig deep and allow it to grow me in ways I haven’t yet ventured through.

So see ya later uterus, let’s see who I am without you. ✌🏻
Do you feel like some things feel harder for you t Do you feel like some things feel harder for you than for others?

It’s probably because they are! 

Oh my goodness, how often do we find ourselves comparing one another? We look at the way someone else is living and think, “they make it look so easy.” The truth is, we all have the opportunity to maximize our odds, and it doesn’t look like trying to be the best at something because it’s trendy. It is about finding the right field for YOU. 

Pick the right habits for YOU and progress is going to feel a heck of a lot easier. Pick the wrong habits and life will feel like a struggle. 

Want to be physically active? Great! Find a means that’s most enjoyable. If you hate running, don’t do it! Find habits that feel pleasurable (or at least ones you don’t hate.) 

The truth is we are all born with a makeup of genes that we cannot change. What comes easy to me, may feel hard for you and vice versa. 

Habits are so much easier when they align with our natural abilities. Find something that favours your strengths or create your own way that is specific to you. 

Genes do not diminish the need for hard work, they make it crystal clear. They are what tell us what and where to place our efforts. 

I love leading others, I’ve been this way since I came out of the womb. It feels easy and fun to me to speak to big groups or have intimate 1:1 conversations. Going deep doesn’t feel like a chore, it feels like a thrill. So I began a career where I can use and grow in those skills and it doesn’t feel like work! I love to lift weights and run in the woods but cycling feels like a chore. I’ll never enjoy it you won’t be seeing me compete in Tour De France any time soon. I love to write but reading takes more discipline. The list goes on. 

I love this example from the book Atomic Habits:

“Boiling water will soften a potato but harden an egg. You can’t control whether you’re a potato or an egg, but you can decide to play a game where it’s better to be hard or soft.”

What’s something you’re good at and feels easy/pleasurable and what’s something you don’t enjoy that feels hard? 👇🏻

📸 @jamalamyaphotography
Two years ago I was lounging in my backyard sippin Two years ago I was lounging in my backyard sipping beer while I waited for the ‘two week lockdown’ to lift. 

It didnt take long for me to understand that this foreign way of life may be here to stay longer than expected and so, I started to reevaluate things. Sitting around sipping IPA got old quick, and I decided that it was time to find some coping mechanisms that were healthier for both body and mind. 

I decided to get brutally honest with myself about the life I wanted to live vs. the life I was actually living based on the habits I was (and was not) practicing. I began to recognize that who I felt I was meant to be deep deep down in my soul, was going to take some work and I was ready to get uncomfortable. 

I started to exercise every morning, eat a little cleaner, drink a little less. These changes sparked something in me — the motivation to really shake things up. 

They were the catalysts. 

I dove all in. 

I made physical exercise a non-negotiable, ate food that nourished me, submersed myself into accountability amongst like-minded women and connected consistently with friends that lit me up. I wrote, read good books, leaned into my faith, went to therapy and finally gave myself permission to build the life I was called to live. 

As I established this foundation of a new normal, I watched my life begin to change. I watched as everything around me felt more joyful. I became a better wife, mother, friend and family member. I went back to school and grew my business which now enables me to serve other women on their own journey. The ‘snowball effect’ is the real deal. 

Looking back on these last two years and all I have accomplished (and continue to strive for), it is a reminder that sometimes all it takes is ONE moment to change the trajectory of everything. One decision that says, ‘time to shake things up.” 

Where were you two years ago? Where are you now? Maybe your moment happens today. 

Xo Kim

📸 @jamalamyaphotography
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Hi, I’m Kim!

I am a certified pre/post-natal fitness trainer, Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Doula and Wellness / Life Coach offering support in the Tri-Cities and virtually from the comfort of your home. Get in touch

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