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Taking (and giving) compliments

October 1, 2018 By Me2Admin

Understanding the power of our word.

I recently read something stating that on average, we smile 20 times a day. That’s 576,000 times in your lifetime if you’re on God’s green earth until you’re 80. Even more,  a ‘happier’ person may smile closer to 50 times a day. 50! This got me thinking… what if by the simple act of being kinder to others, I could up someone’s smile quota?

So, how do we do this?

I believe that body language, eye contact, our voice, our word — are the most powerful tools. Maybe it’s just something as simple as sending a smile and a nod a strangers way. Have you ever decided not to avert your gaze with someone passing by and instead look right at them and smile? If you have done this, were you surprised at how their face lit up or how they even smiled back? I get chills just writing about it! What if we stopped speculating about who that person is, and just… smiled at them.

Now, before we dive into the art of compliment giving, let’s touch first, on the fact that there is a difference between a compliment, and a genuine compliment. Heck, I’ll take any compliment I can get, even if that person is yanking my chain and really thinks my new hair colour is atrocious. But, when it comes to compliment giving, I always try to remember the old saying, “mean what you say, and say what you mean.” Chances are, the person will feel the lack of authenticity, which tends to have the opposite effect. Whomp whomp… Of course, on the flip side of that, we could get into self-worth and assuming what that person said is true rather then jump directly to self-criticism. For example, someone says, “oh you look great today!” even though you haven’t showered in three days and you used your entire bottle of dry shampoo this morning. Rather than thinking “oh RIGHT” — why not try accepting the fact that you are just f’ing beautiful. That person sure thought so… it’s about time you did too! But, that chat is for another day.

Today, my first question is this — can you accept a compliment?

When I started dating my husband in 2012, I was 22 and a self-proclaimed ‘terrible compliment acceptor.’ He would shower me with compliments, and I would reply with the usual, “Stop. Stopppppp that. No way!” The list goes on. Finally, after some time, he called me out. “Can’t you just say thank you? I am not asking you your opinion… I am telling you what I think” he said.

His comment still sits with me today… eight years later. I don’t know why I couldn’t just say “thank you.” Here I was, a young, confident woman. So why couldn’t I just appreciate the nice words? Why can’t you? Is it because we are in fact insecure? Or maybe we are just so uncomfortable with being told something kind.

[Insert hand under chin contemplating emoji here]

Since this small moment of self awareness, I have spent the last well, nearly decade, practicing the skill of saying, “thank you” in response to a compliment — regardless of how I may feel about it in the moment. And you know what? You start to believe it! Hey… maybe my derrière does look great in these jeans. Or wow, that’s really special that my friend loves how I make them laugh!

In addition to accepting a compliment, I’ve decided to try to give them more — equally as uncomfortable at times. But, I ask you. How many times have you thought something nice about someone and not said it out loud? What if you started vocalizing all of those kind thoughts?

I’ve read a lot about genuine vs. non-genuine compliments, and I’m not sure I agree with this terminology. Who’s to say “ I love your shirt!” isn’t genuine? No, I like to use the term “deep” instead of “genuine.” For someone you don’t know that well, a less deep, but kind compliment, like “great shoes!” may make their day! But, with friends and loved ones, I challenge you to go deeper. Think about how the person makes you feel, and tell them! For example, “I love how you always make me feel special, and hanging out with you is the highlight of my week!” BOOM! Did you see that? That, my friends, was a LOVE-SPLOSION.

Studies have been done, showing that compliments (and insults) can affect someone for a lifetime. Sound familiar? Still dwelling on that snarky comment from when you were a kid that made you feel like crap? Still letting their harsh words affect how you see yourself? Imagine, now that you know the impact of our word, if you could pass along something kind instead.  What if what you said to someone would be something that would positively impact them for years to come? Maybe they held onto it so deeply, that it was even something that lifted them up when they were having a bad day. I think that is kind of amazing. If we all understood the profound impact we could have on someone’s life with our word, what changes would we make?

Imagine the difference we could make in the world with the simple act of being kind to each other. And, even better yet — being vocal about how rad we all are. So, go on, my wonderful reader, and pay someone a compliment today. Try for two tomorrow, three the next day… until all you are is a babbling spout of positivity!

I, for starters, think you’re pretty awesome.

Comments

  1. 1

    Denise Molinar says

    October 1, 2018 at 10:03 pm

    I love to smile at people. Living in a country where it’s my second language can be a challenge. Smiling never is and opens the door to conversation and friendly chit chat. My grandmother told me that my smile lit up a room…I’ve never forgotten that compliment and I believe that goes for anyone!

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bottle feeding breastfeeding c-section cancer doula family feeding baby firsts first time mom fitlife foodlife friendship journey momlife motherhood my life parenting postpartum real life self growth survivor
We found them on a routine ultrasound – fibroids We found them on a routine ultrasound – fibroids: solid, benign tumors.

Given there was nothing we could do about them during pregnancy, I took the info with a grain of salt (and admittedly, some anxiety) and moved on. By my second pregnancy less than two years later, they had multiplied, grown, and eliminated the chance of a v-bac but baby boy was born via another c-section and I didn’t think about them again until 4 years later when they began to wreak havoc. (I’ll leave you to go ahead and google what they are capable of.) 😉 

These stubborn masses continue to grow in both size and number until menopause. At the age of 34, that was daunting to hear. Even more so, there is no medication available and only two procedures to treat them – an ablation or hysterectomy. An ablation leaves your uterus intact but offers temporary results with most fibroids returning in the years to come. Given we are done having children, it felt like a straightforward choice.

Hysterectomy it is.

Cue all the feelings, but perhaps what caught me off guard most was the attachment I felt to this organ. There is a source of femininity that derives from our womb and the thoughts of how I may feel after this is removed from my body have been interesting to sift through. 

After my c-sections, the mere act of lifting myself off the couch was difficult. The way our core supports the entirety of our body does not evade me. Will this  elective surgery have a similar recovery? 🥴

My second c-section had its trials when I didn’t respond to the medication well and I felt more than I should have. It took me almost 2 years to be able talk about the experience without having a full-on trauma response. 

But, I have healed. I have done the work to get to this balanced and strong place I find myself in now and I have to remind myself daily that I have a firmer foundation now than I did years ago. I am not the same woman who rolled into that operating room in 2015.

I can say with confidence that I will get through this and use it to do good in the world. I will dig deep and allow it to grow me in ways I haven’t yet ventured through.

So see ya later uterus, let’s see who I am without you. ✌🏻
Do you feel like some things feel harder for you t Do you feel like some things feel harder for you than for others?

It’s probably because they are! 

Oh my goodness, how often do we find ourselves comparing one another? We look at the way someone else is living and think, “they make it look so easy.” The truth is, we all have the opportunity to maximize our odds, and it doesn’t look like trying to be the best at something because it’s trendy. It is about finding the right field for YOU. 

Pick the right habits for YOU and progress is going to feel a heck of a lot easier. Pick the wrong habits and life will feel like a struggle. 

Want to be physically active? Great! Find a means that’s most enjoyable. If you hate running, don’t do it! Find habits that feel pleasurable (or at least ones you don’t hate.) 

The truth is we are all born with a makeup of genes that we cannot change. What comes easy to me, may feel hard for you and vice versa. 

Habits are so much easier when they align with our natural abilities. Find something that favours your strengths or create your own way that is specific to you. 

Genes do not diminish the need for hard work, they make it crystal clear. They are what tell us what and where to place our efforts. 

I love leading others, I’ve been this way since I came out of the womb. It feels easy and fun to me to speak to big groups or have intimate 1:1 conversations. Going deep doesn’t feel like a chore, it feels like a thrill. So I began a career where I can use and grow in those skills and it doesn’t feel like work! I love to lift weights and run in the woods but cycling feels like a chore. I’ll never enjoy it you won’t be seeing me compete in Tour De France any time soon. I love to write but reading takes more discipline. The list goes on. 

I love this example from the book Atomic Habits:

“Boiling water will soften a potato but harden an egg. You can’t control whether you’re a potato or an egg, but you can decide to play a game where it’s better to be hard or soft.”

What’s something you’re good at and feels easy/pleasurable and what’s something you don’t enjoy that feels hard? 👇🏻

📸 @jamalamyaphotography
Two years ago I was lounging in my backyard sippin Two years ago I was lounging in my backyard sipping beer while I waited for the ‘two week lockdown’ to lift. 

It didnt take long for me to understand that this foreign way of life may be here to stay longer than expected and so, I started to reevaluate things. Sitting around sipping IPA got old quick, and I decided that it was time to find some coping mechanisms that were healthier for both body and mind. 

I decided to get brutally honest with myself about the life I wanted to live vs. the life I was actually living based on the habits I was (and was not) practicing. I began to recognize that who I felt I was meant to be deep deep down in my soul, was going to take some work and I was ready to get uncomfortable. 

I started to exercise every morning, eat a little cleaner, drink a little less. These changes sparked something in me — the motivation to really shake things up. 

They were the catalysts. 

I dove all in. 

I made physical exercise a non-negotiable, ate food that nourished me, submersed myself into accountability amongst like-minded women and connected consistently with friends that lit me up. I wrote, read good books, leaned into my faith, went to therapy and finally gave myself permission to build the life I was called to live. 

As I established this foundation of a new normal, I watched my life begin to change. I watched as everything around me felt more joyful. I became a better wife, mother, friend and family member. I went back to school and grew my business which now enables me to serve other women on their own journey. The ‘snowball effect’ is the real deal. 

Looking back on these last two years and all I have accomplished (and continue to strive for), it is a reminder that sometimes all it takes is ONE moment to change the trajectory of everything. One decision that says, ‘time to shake things up.” 

Where were you two years ago? Where are you now? Maybe your moment happens today. 

Xo Kim

📸 @jamalamyaphotography
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Hi, I’m Kim!

I am a certified pre/post-natal fitness trainer, Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Doula and Wellness / Life Coach offering support in the Tri-Cities and virtually from the comfort of your home. Get in touch

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