My name is Kim. I am (almost 31 years old.) I like hiking, hanging with my fam, my dog, laughing until I pee a little and I have a confession to make. I am a recovering people pleaser.
Pushing the boundaries is a conflicting thing for someone like myself, because I also dislike drama. No, but, for real. Let me explain.
What I am beginning to learn is that, if “doing you” is what you wanna do and it entails pushing some boundaries, then there will be some drama. But drama makes you wanna barf. Well crap. So, what now? I think… yes…let’s roll with this… what it comes down to, is how you respond to it. Or at times, don’t respond to it. But if you know me, you know that I am not very good at that. Work in progress here…”Hi!” The urge to respond usually outweighs the voice in my head saying, “don’t do it!” My intention not being to clap back, but to explain and send some warmth… (thank you to my husband and the big Man upstairs for always reminding me to keep the love in my heart.) But, at some point you have to come to accept that someone who thinks what you have done or said is a bit cray cray, doesn’t wanna hear you out — at least not right away. Time and time again I drive myself into a tizzy trying to get someone to see where I am coming from — only to feel anxious and misunderstood. Then I had an epiphany.
Not everyone is going to “get you”. Say whaaaattttttt?
You can explain where you are coming from and where your heart is, until you are blue in the face, but sometimes you just need to leave things be. This is very tough for me. Like the majority of you reading this, there are probably those people in your life that you have always had a really hard time upsetting. But what I have realized, is that this fear of upsetting people has held me back from doing what I want to do and being who I want to be — paralyzed by the fear that they may not like what I do, or who I am growing to be. A writer who (is trying to), connect people and who is awkwardly candid.
I have been writing since I was a child. In my diary, poetry and really any place I could put pen to paper. Then, POOF! Here comes the 21st century. Facebook and Instagram and blogs, oh my! Now, all of us wannabe writers have a place to practice our passion for all of the world to see… and critique. I’m going to be really honest here. I am someone that has always enjoyed being liked by my peers or by anyone really. I want people to like me. OK I said it. I mean, does anyone really like being disliked? And so, I have lived my whole life trying not to upset anyone or to ruffle any feathers. Until the year 2018. “Why?” You may ask. So, I’ll answer your question with a question. Why is a singer a singer? A dancer a dancer? A hurdle jumper a hurdle jumper? (okay that was a weird example, but you get the point.) Because, dangit, it’s what they love to do — and I just can’t fight it any longer!
Even if it’s just via blog posts, I believe that our inert desire as humans is to feel connected and to relate to one another. To feel a sense of belonging in this big confusing world. Okay… woah… cool it Mother Theresa.
So, I write. I push the boundaries of what people are comfortable talking about and with that, comes the divide. Those who find it incredibly relatable and awesome and those that think it’s strange or downright offside. I gotta be okay with that. I am working on being okay with that.
Here’s the thing. I write about things I’ve been through, feelings I’ve experienced, or things I have had discussions about with friends (or strangers), that I found interesting. I bring up “the flip side” for arguments sake – always daring you to think about both sides of the story. I push myself and hopefully my readers, to expand their minds and their hearts. To reflect, to grow and to know that they are not alone in this endeavour. Out there, there is someone who can relate to you.
My entire life, I have struggled with feeling understood. I am that friend that sends five rambling texts because I just cannot possibly explain myself in one brief message. I am a talker and a fixer. So how can someone like that also be okay with pushing the limits and potentially rubbing people the wrong way? How can someone like that be okay with the fact that there are people out there that may take things personally or think that I am off my hinges?
Cue mantra: Come to the understanding that not everyone will understand where you are coming from. Not everyone wants to hear you out and not everything can be fixed. Do you. Live your life. Live your best damn life. [Insert mind explosion emoji here.]
I find solace in the fact that with certainty 100% of the writers in this world, whether they are a novel writer, newspaper writer, journalist, or a silly blog writer – none have everyone’s nod of approval. So, this girl that enjoys being liked by everyone, is learning how to be okay with not being everyone’s cup of tea. I’m a mildly invasive spicy chai, and you prefer a mild rooibos.
I gotchu… even if you don’t get me.